My granddaughter Reagan told her parents after a March visit that “Grandma slept all the time”. Despite taking a yoga class to get me settled into a Zen state, I ran right into a roadside I couldn’t “see” because I was so rattled. Sad, blue and feeling panicky about another tough thing happening from the moment I got up, till bedtime when I dreaded going to sleep knowing I would wake up ruminating about some unknown, but certain, imminent tragedy. Somehow, a variety of big, and many little, events had tipped me from a “little off” and sad at year end, to depression by late January.
It was frightening, and something I cannot remember experiencing before. By April I was determined to work like hell to crawl out of it and get back to being my neurotic, but basically very happy, self. I swore never again would I let myself get in such a dark, disturbing place. And yes, of course I got “professional help”. My shrink is not only great, he is funny and comforting. And he reminds me when I forget that ultimately, much of being better is committing to being better, and taking responsibility to change what is not working for what will.
Am feeling pretty good, if not great, today – and it is mid June. What happened to lift me back up? The truth is that since I made that firm decision to heal, multiple decisions, events and pieces of support have all helped to clear my head. And, like many things in life, luck played a part too.
Mid May we left Tucson for our travelling time. We live in Tucson, Arizona, but come May when it starts to get uncomfortably hot for us, we travel to other places till about mid October when the weather again suits us back home. We came to New York in May and rented an apartment not far from our daughter and her family in Westchester County. The change of scene has been a big part of lightening my mood. We have already taken a couple of mini trips to further mix up our schedule and get away from depression triggers associated with my home in Tucson, which is where I was when the deep blues hit. It will be fine to go back come October even if I don’t spend money on a deep spiritual healing of the space.
I have also taken the strategy one of my dear friends taught me: being one with something tangible in a room or place – just keeping my mind quiet and focused on a chosen item for a few minutes is very useful. I am calling it “the tree is me” strategy – pointing mindfully to a tree ahead while walking and just “urging” myself to stay “with the tree” rather than letting my mind ruminate and repeat endless loops of negative nonsense.
And then, there are my many wonderful friends like Betty who called me everyday once I told her what was going on. Cathy P. wrote me emails and tailored my workouts to include pep talks. There was Janice who held a spiritual session where she worked on me breaking bonds with a sad and dangerous habit I had fallen into. Donna had me over for dinner and listened when I was pretty awful company. Cathy B. set up a date to meet and go to a spirituality center for a special meditation. Pat told me about her journaling effort during one of her depressions and suggested I try it. And the list went on from there of friends who I mentioned my sadness to who just turned around and offered love and help.
Another really big help was my 50th high school reunion. I’d been part of the planning process so I was very much excited and invested in the activities. Seeing, and more importantly, sharing with women who I had shared my adolescence with was amazing therapy. We weren’t older versions of ourselves – we were new selves that were developed by our history, the lives we have lived, the choices we have made, and the way we have connected and loved ourselves. The biggest way to know how people REALLY were faring in life, was to listen and watch for how happy they were with who they turned out to be.
Not everyone or even most anyone has the luxury of having the level of support and caring that I do. Friends were my priority always (in many ways equal or more than family which I am also close to). Their multiple ways and approaches to helping me, coupled with our ability to create changes of scene, proved the golden recipe for dealing with my depression. I want to end with a quote another friend sent me that summarized the heart of much of the wisdom so many shared.
“There are only two days a year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is he right day to love, believe, do and mostly live.” – Dalai Lama